Monday, April 29, 2013

Why can't I just appreciate myself?

I've just returned from my first Zumba with Kasha class in a month. Let me tell ya, I love Zumba but I broke my stupid toe so had to take 3 weeks off and then last week, hubs had a hockey game. I've been feeling really fat the last week or so too. I'm not sure what it is but even just doing Zumba once a week I feel better about myself.

A few months back, through healthy eating, and using my myfitnesspal app on my iPhone, I managed to get down to the lowest weight I've ever been. I felt good, I could wear anything I wanted and after having two children, I was finally accepting my body. But now, I think its becoming an unhealthy obsession. I've gained back almost 10 pounds. I keep telling myself that If I want to have fun foods sometimes I have to just embrace that I won't hit that number again but it's like a cycle. I know what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm going to be so diligent, maybe not even just tomorrow, until I at least get down another 5 pounds just because.

It's not just because. I'll tell you what goes through my head. What will women I know say? Even men, when they see that I've gained weight back? I was a chunky kid, & struggled my whole life with yo yo weight, so I've always had body issues but is it worse to me now that I've had the ....omg, you look AMAZING? I keep imagining people saying "oh see, I knew she couldn't keep it off" or "wow, she gained the weight back hey?" I feel so flattered, so good, when other people tell me I'm beautiful or thin. Everybody feels good about that right? I think I would miss it so much, that I hate myself if I think I might not get it. Does that make sense?

Tonight though, I looked around the room. At the beautiful women I was taking my class with and honest to goodness found something I envied on every one of them. I can appreciate that women's bodies are beautiful. We come in so many shapes, sizes, colours. I remember thinking to myself, omg, look at her ass, I wish I had that ass, it's fabulous. Then there is the boob envy, mine are absolutely GONE due to breastfeeding, and loosing weight. They're like balloons that have been blown up over & over again, just left to hang sadly....I kept looking around & saw fabulous legs, even just some women and how graceful they are. I thought about myself and how rotten I'd been feeling about my body. I made a realization that I wasn't madly envying the women around me, I was appreciating them. Why can't I just appreciate myself?

My body is different now, better in a lot of ways. I've had two babies and I try to be healthy. That has to be enough for me. Life is too short to focus on what I don't like about myself. All those women in the room were beautiful in their own way. I see it but do they? We need to celebrate ourselves and each other. Even just the dancing, just being only Chris, not mama, or wifey, I feel free, I feel good!

When I look at my friends, I see so much beauty. I need to look inside myself and try to find enough in there, to make me feel good about myself. Easier said than done but hey, this is me putting it out to the universe that I'm sure gonna try.

To all the mama's reading this, I tell you, if you don't have something like this that gets you out, to just be you, find something. It saves my sanity and it's just downright fun. I feel better about me, and the time, is selfishly, for me.
You know that's OK too right?
- Chris

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